Battle Field Bed
Our bed
is our
battle field
you bring
your arms
I will
not let
down my
defenses
move the
front closer
as you
load the
gun fast
don’t forget
to fire
behind the
pillow you
can find
me now
reach under
the covers
and feel
our war
opening up.

Our bed
is our
battle field
victory belongs
to nobody
not you
not me
victory
will come
independently
at sunrise.

Make It Last
Old eyes, boyish smile, black suit,
tired of fighting, yet ready to recruit,
I find you standing in my door,
there’s no need to speak anymore,
against your chest I press my face,
my hands against yours like lace,
our story now part of the past,
trying to make the moment last…

Everything sways,
nothing stays,
two ways,
our haze,
a maze.

Together we sit on a tree in the park,
as dogs chase around us in the dark,
I sip gin & tonic, you drink beer,
you’ll carry me home from here,
tenderly lay me down on your bed,
sleep with your arm under my head,
our story now part of the past,
trying to make the night last…

Everything sways,
nothing stays,
two ways,
our haze,
a maze.

Words Versus Touch
Words followed my path,
decorated my person,
beautified feelings,
revealed people,
formed my world,
until you used them,
without their source,
dried them on the shore,
emptied them of their mystery,
and forgot to collect them in memory.

Words were identical to love,
the stronger they were,
the stronger the bond,
the more I could use,
the more I must feel,
and then you came along,
with your all used-up clichés,
throwing alien phrases in my face,
talking without saying anything at all,
without knowing what words truly mean.

Words fly far away,
air soaks them up,
ears can’t hear,
eyes don’t see,
yet I feel,
what you feel,
and more and more,
when your silence talks,
and tell with tongue and lips,
when hands translate life from skin,
words become an unnecessary luxury.

A Love For Men
Wet was the night with rain on the street,
he takes my arm as you grab my hand,
I’ve never known strength before you,
your hand on mine until I couldn’t,
no, I couldn’t feel anything anymore,
you invited me over for wine and men,
I came because of you and your eyes,
and they glittered as he kissed you,
as he bit your ear I drank and smiled,
later we were laughing on the floor,
laughter becomes touch and I yours,
he escapes out with his cigarettes,
but it doesn’t matter.

Tonight is all we have a wet night,
everywhere on the street it is pouring,
as he draws you closer to his right,
and still keeps me tight on his left,
until we escape his embrace running,
it’s alright, everything is alright,
we’ll go as far as this road can take us,
we travelled through Russia you and I,
we learned love the hard Siberian way,
a path that belonged to the opposite sex,
and yet we run – I know I do and you?

Touch me now; leave your hand on my waist,
put your lips between all that I am,
I have never wanted to give like tonight,
you’ve never been able to take like here,
in the night, on the street, everything is okay,
when everything is wet,
after the evening rain.

Promise!
My mouth never stops talking,
my feet can’t ever stop walking.
I wish I could say a little bit less,
I wish I wasn’t such a mess.
It’s hard to change a tree at the roots,
it’s hard to throw away old boots.
I don’t know right from wrong,
I was taught only to be strong.
With five cups of coffee a day,
tea was never an optional way.
I used to always be on my own,
your constant presence is unknown.
I don’t think I’ll ever understand,
why it feels good hold a man’s hand.
It scares me and therefore I hide,
my heart is full of stupid pride.
I have loved but I always cheat,
I flirt with everyone I meet.
You should know I’m not kind,
but I hope you don’t mind.
There is still hope left I know,
I will try real hard to grow.
And I only do it for your sake,
I’ll give if you promise to take!

Memory
Sometimes you come in without knocking,
bursting into my veins and under my skin,
never ask if I miss you or if this is the moment,
when everything seems like it was yesterday,
you never needed permission and you still don’t…

The street where we said goodbye is every street,
the last kiss you gave me is every kiss I ever get,
you knew me like nobody will ever know me,
you loved me like nobody ever will again,
and yet I never loved you and I still don’t…

I dreamed of you and I planned our wedding,
I wanted to be your wife and have your children,
now those dreams have escaped from my life,
but I will name my baby boy after you anyway,
as if that was not the end and it still isn’t…

Today
We’ve come here hand in hand today,
on our back we carried a heavy past,
made our way through the busy crowds,
they turn around and look without seeing,
and approach us to speak without telling.

I will not let you leave me,
I will not be here without you,
in your hands I left myself,
in your voice I built a home.

Even if you choose to abandon these streets,
in this country without me there is no you,
“Almost like home,” you said to me today,
over coffee and cake in yet another mall,
“Almost like love,” I said to you today,
over fingers in hands in yet another mall.

In The Walls
When you leave,
you don’t know,
what remains,
with me here,
you whispered,
but it sounded,
like a scream.

I’ll search,
everywhere,
for what you,
said last night.

I’ll search,
in the walls,
behind books,
in the closet,
under sheets,
below pillows,
outside windows,
on the floor,
in your shirts,
on my arms,
between toes,
and in the air.

I’ll find it,
before you,
come back,
and I’ll show,
you it must,
be repeated,
over and over,
and over again…

The Door Is Locked
My door is locked,
wait, I’ll go check it again –
yes, the key turns,
and nobody comes,
I’ll go but I’ll stay.

Come and leave me,
all over again, I miss you –
you were my shackles,
my golden gates,
my summer break.

Your smile is frozen,
no, you can’t hold my hand –
your bed is forbidden,
your tears all hidden,
my genesis your skin.

Your door is locked,
my fingers bleed to knock –
open, open up now,
a lost child returns,
to ashes and silence.

Come To Me
Come to me now, late at night,
come to me, you know how,
do not whisper,
do not doubt,
be here, with me,
say nothing now,
not ”love”,
never “like”,
just be here, with me,
together we’ll meet the sunlight.

Come to me in borrowed sheets,
come to me, you know where,
broken windows,
hard floors,
dirty skin,
old words,
that lingered,
here with you, in me,
hold me harder,
tomorrow the world is another.

Come to me without clothes,
come and stand before me,
promise nothing,
but give all,
I am yours,
your worry is mine,
your sorrow is mine,
your life is mine,
your rain is mine,
your street is mine,
your world is mine,
I am now, with you,
tomorrow we’ll belong to different cities…

A Road Without An End
All my life I’ve been walking into dead ends –
and you, my dear, are no exception.
I swore not to teach anyone how to kiss –
but I taught you.
I stopped taking people’s virginities –
but I took yours.
And where is the “thank you” I expect?
Where is your hand when I sleep?
Where are the words I’ve never heard?
I love you…
It’s true – I heard them once.
But I was young then, a child,
and I mistook sympathy for love,
like I am mistaken now –
your smile is no guarantee.
Falling in love doesn’t lead to love.
Loving doesn’t lead to anything.
It ends suddenly, like the dead end,
of a road you thought you knew.
I knew it before I tasted your lips,
but only understood it,
after my skin grown weak for your touch…

I’m weak now, my dear, and growing old.
I’ll be a woman soon, I can feel it.
Age aches within my heart and I long.
Long for a road without an end.
For a bed for two.
Your shoes next to mine outside our door.
To cook for you. And wash your underwear.
And prove there’s nothing like the tenderness of a woman…
My dear, you mistook me for a girl.
And I forgive you. It happens.
And I know you are not mine –
not my road, my eternal road,
a road without an end.

Tell Me, Father
Tell me about love, father,
tell me about the first time you fell in love,
was it as sudden as the blink of an eye?
or did it take time, did the feelings crawl slowly?
Tell me about your first kiss, father,
before you grew up, before you became a man,
when you were still a boy,
and the one holding your hand a girl,
was it sweet, was it fast, did you make it last?
Tell me about the choice, father,
tell me how you knew when to ask the question,
how you knew this girl could be your wife?

Tell me about love, father,
because I need to know,
I know I have fallen,
I think I’m on the ground,
I can’t breathe, I can’t speak, I don’t know,
how to tell his hand from mine,
his skin from mine, and father,
honestly, I don’t want to.
Tell me father, when to say stop,
when to say go,
and how to know,
you hit the jackpot.

The Art of Saying Farewell
He arrived when it was already night
and dark between the naked trees
where I was waiting standing
with no ground beneath my feet
I saw his hand move closer
and the shadows turned to flames
when he touched my waist
then the leaves began to open
slowly, gently, as if hesitating
branches reaching for the sun
and their little green children
felt soft like yogurt in my hands
unlike the skin of his hands
that held my waist that night
before the leaves awoke
the day you died.

Hammer of Steel
The streets are all the same,
and I wear the same shoes,
as I walk and walk,
but now I long to meet,
alone I’ve been enough,
to last me this lifetime through,
now I want to meet you.

Everything seems so delicate,
a look, a smile, a touch,
everything could be broken,
as easy as saying farewell.

Next to you I’m made of glass,
and you hold a hammer of steel,
yet your body is made of silk,
so soft and perfect is your skin,
that I don’t know what,
I did to deserve you,
to deserve this fragile moment,
my shattered soul in pieces,
as your hammer hits, and hits, and hits…

Break The Rules!
Name the mistake –
I’ve made all mistakes
that can be made in love
with crushes on the forbidden
and rejection of the permitted
loved with passion without touching
touched with eyes closed hard
rules are made for breaking
and a woman must be weak
or she will scare off men
and buy a house in the woods
to live there with fifteen cats.

Two Different Too Different
Sit down. Or remain standing.
Whatever. Let’s call it quits.
Yes, we’ve been flying, this is our landing.
So we don’t get along and that’s it?
We’re from two different worlds.
You don’t get me.
(and I won’t let you either)
I don’t get you.
(and I don’t want to either)
We’ve shared a lot and…
I’m not going to give you a speech.
It’s been fun and…
No, I won’t lie either.
I thought people could grow together.
All people. Anywhere.
I was wrong.
Please forgive me.
You’re nice and all but…
We’re just too different.
Too different to understand each other.
You lie a little, I lie a lot.
You want to play, I want not.

The First Time
It’ll stay with you,
it won’t ever leave,
that fragile moment,
when you knew,
that you were free.

Sunshine in April,
on a dusty road,
the smell of cars,
dirt and fried food,
that filled your nose.

Heat against skin,
view meets eyes,
feet run faster,
your heart knows,
that nothing matters.

You’ll never forget,
where you were,
and who you were,
the first time,
you tasted freedom.

Be Silent With Me
There are no words,
that can describe,
nothing to say,
that can tell,
what I feel,
so be silent,
be silent with me.

They don’t exist,
not tonight,
nobody exists,
not here,
only you,
so be silent,
be silent with me.

Save your mouth,
for my kisses,
save your face,
for my eyes,
only me,
so be silent,
be silent with me.

Allow only my hands,
to travel your skin,
allow only me,
to explore you,
only tonight,
so be silent,
be silent with me.

A Walk In The Night With Myself
The others are on their way home now,
The hour is late, the working day over.
And I head out into the dark.
It doesn’t matter where I am.
I don’t remember the name of the town.
It doesn’t matter who I am.
I could be anyone at all.
You remember the one I was.
Far too well, I’m afraid.
I don’t know you anymore.
Even though I’d like to.

Snow everywhere, my breath is frost.
And I don’t understand anything anymore.
The road here was long and I can’t turn back.
I forbid myself when I said:
There is no way back anymore.
But all of my dreams are invisible now.
I can’t hold on to their hands anymore.
People everywhere, but I am alone.
Alone because they don’t know me.
Once you knew me.
But that belongs to a locked past.
And the key I lost on purpose.
If we meet now you would not know me.
Would you recognise me?
My name is another, just like my country.
Though I still want to rush back home…
And embrace you and go down on my knees.
And beg for forgiveness until you see me.
Until you see that nothing has changed.
I am I, and maybe that’s no good.
But it’s all I have, all I had.

The others are already sleeping in their beds.
But the two of us never sleep nowadays.
All thoughts that wonder inside of me.
The thoughts I don’t want to think.
And yet they are there, inside of me.
The memories scream in my ears tonight.
Why did it turn out like this?
How did I end up here?
But I know the answers. All of them.
To confess the guilt is hard.
The guilt is heavy and bitter now.
Nobody will hear me if I cry.
And that’s just as well.

God forgave me. I thought He did.
Can you forgive me?
If I only can forgive myself.
Maybe tomorrow, maybe in the dawn.
But who will I be when I wake up?
Let me be anyone. Maybe nobody.
Let their voices be lost in the dark.
Let me disappear behind the corner.
Where am I going?
Where is that I go when I’m leaving?
Home, home, if I only could go home.
In frozen lands palms glow in read.
It could be a mirage.
But it could also be Russia in February.
No, I want to stay here.
As long as my feet have enough strength.
Strength enough to walk.
But I’m sure we’ll meet again.
Or maybe never.
You can’t hear me now.
And yet I am talking to you.
Or is it with myself?
What’s the difference?

I must forgive myself.
Here and now I must let go.
I am letting you go now.
Please, do the same with me.
After all, were we not once friends?

The night continues undisturbed.
The morning comes with the sun.
That’s all I know for sure.

Innocent When Sentenced
To every victim of sexual abuse I dedicate this poem [book]. Though we will never get back what they stole from us we can save somebody else (maybe just one person, maybe only ourselves) from losing it. Too. Again.

They broke us, but we are not broken.
They took us, but we are not taken.
They killed us, but we are not dead.
They changed us: we’re different now.

Our skin may burn,
our tears may flow,
and we feel small,
insignificant, invisible,
but we are not.

We will be stronger,
than those who made us weak.
We will be stronger,
than those who made us guilty.
“It was not your fault”,
haven’t we heard that before?
How can these words
fill up an entire soul,
give it enough power,
to eventually stand up
and scream:
“I will never be defeated!”

We must claim
all we can.
We must guard
our borders day and night
even if we must run
faster than ever.
No one has the right
to tell us it’s wrong.
There is no right way
to escape out of prison
if you were innocent
when sentenced.
Let them shoot at us,
and let them laugh,
how could they ever understand?

We must protect ourselves,
by letting everything fall,
and stand even more naked,
than they undressed us.
Take a look at me now.
Do you remember me?
Can you in this woman,
see that little girl,
you raped
killed
humiliated,
when she was 11 years old?

You don’t remember me?

You haunted me for years,
you followed me in my sleep,
and now you have forgotten
the knife
you stabbed me with.
It doesn’t matter anymore,
slave will become
master
and set you free.
You don’t belong to me,
not the memory of you,
not what you did to me,
how could you?
I am not that girl anymore.
I am a woman
I am my
own
master.

In A Lonely Moment
In a lonely moment,
all by myself,
things seem clear to me,
like stars in the sky,
like my own eyes,
shining in my faces,
and I know that,
what remains after me,
when I choose to leave,
is more than I had,
when I came.
I leave it all to you,
my beautiful world.
I give every piece to you,
my glorious home.
I testament only one thing,
but it is every thing,
and even more.
I loved and I lived.
I loved life.

Me And Your Shadow
On a Monday morning
I fitted in your arms.
You held me
like no one before.
Your arms were
my only fences.

On a Sunday night
in your shadow I walk.
You walk fast
and I can’t keep up.
Your shadow is big
and I’m too small.

On a Monday morning
I fitted in your arms.
You held me
like no one before.
You arms were
my only defences.

On a Sunday night
in your shadow I walk.
Your steps too fast
for me to run after.
Your shadow too big
for me to fin in.

The Proud Nothing
And I’m nothing special
not the prettiest thing you ever saw
but guess what?
What you want me to be
is in fact
only a fraction of
all
that is me.
What you want is
for me
to give up almost
all
I have.

Do you think I’m stupid?
Do you think you can fool me?
Buy me? Take me? Have me?
No.
I would really, really like to
be liked by you
and fit in here perfectly
and have my face on
everything
and make them cry and laugh and buy
more more more.
Yes, I wanted to be loved
I wanted to be an icon
a legend
a mirage.

I blow up into pieces
so small they seem to
fall in between my teeth
and down inside
I spit them out
at you
and you swallow
all the invisible rules you play by
but I won’t.
No.

Sorry, some things can’t be changed
not by you, not by me
this is the way I am.
I know it’s too much
and still you want more
I know you don’t understand
and yet you say you do
I know I’ve got everything
when you say I’m nothing.
Here I am.
This is me.

Small Things
Underneath me I have seen
everything from desert
to Scandinavian snow
and your body move
skin on skin
like the wing meets
that sky at night
darkness in darkness
light on light –
how did we get so small?

My whole home town
half a million people
look from up here
like it fits in my hand.
How come I was so scared?
How come I couldn’t sleep at night?
Because of this –
these small things?

It’s too late now
for everything you did
yesterday and two years ago.
only compare yourself
with yourself
sometime before
now as we know it.
It’s going to move
it will dance
and shake this –
these small things.

All that remains
is what is big
you
and your heart
and your soul
underneath everything
you are above everything
you’re flying to Frankfurt
today!

I Was Born Here
My secrets unfold,
as the story is told,
in a city by the sea,
deep inside of me,
memories interfere –
I was born here.

The trams were blue,
and lies were true,
when I still belonged,
childhood prolonged,
as if it lingered on,
after all went wrong.

Kiss the wet ground,
before I turn around,
and walk far away,
to where I can’t stay,
a judgement severe –
I was born here.

But I’m A Woman
When I saw the path
between the chapters
of crime and punishment
like Sonya I followed
old footsteps to Siberia
and I lost everything
and I found everything
then I sold it
and traded it back
with my peace of mind
I have his name
tattooed on my skin
since the age of 19
my fingers have written
and they have read
now I’m stuck in
in between of take away
and cook it yourself
I could go ahead
or turn left
after the funeral
where I buried all
of my dreams
wise men tell me
that which I
fear most
is what I
must do.

But I’m a woman.

I will never be a man
no matter how many
times I fall in
love with girls
and think
smoking cigarettes
drinking vodka
talking literature
is the height
of everything called
life.

But I’m a woman.
Yes, I’m a woman?
No, I’m a woman!

Maybe
Maybe this won’t be love,
like other people talk of it,
but where you and I sit,
underneath that dove,
I sometimes hold your hand,
and pretend you’re mine,
before I sip the wine,
and pretend you understand.

Maybe you won’t ever agree,
like others think you should,
yet I do what anyone would,
to prove that everything I see,
in my dreams is you in white,
you are with me in every way,
if I can love you more each day,
wrong can easily turn right.

Maybe you’re quite ordinary,
and all this my tenderness,
you’re still afraid to caress,
yet anything but love is scary,
to me you are so much more,
than anything I’ve ever felt,
and I’m sorry I can’t prevent,
myself from being unsure.

Inside And Outside And In Between
It’s all in the words
the words that you speak
the words that you read
the book we both own
and the place
where you found me.

I can’t forget how and when
you saw me that morning
I was scared
and you were an angel
and now
I want to take you on
and let you lay down
in front of me
in all the beauty
that you have inside
and outside
and in between.

The walls will not watch
us two separating skin
from fabric
and taking lessons
from the unknown
and I will not touch
anything you feel
you want to leave
to the next life time.

I want to love you
and I want to have you
and I want to kiss you
and I want to hear you
every Sunday morning
you can be my shepherd
and I can be your sheep
I want to love you
yet I can be silent forever
yet I can smile forever
yet I can keep the secret
of what you are
underneath your robe
of what you are inside
and outside
and in between.

If I Were You
(Dedicated to H. T.)

I want to walk in your shoes
through our hometown
and look at the houses
and catch the snowflakes
that fell on us two
on that winter night
when I was still a child
and you a writer that didn’t write.

I want to see them all
through you eyes
both now and then
and find out why
why you were all I
ever dreamed of
and why it was so easy
to give you up?

I want to be you
next time we meet
and look at myself
through the eyes of
a man that loves me
in a way so strange
and complete and dangerous.

If I were you for a night
I’d write in your poems
what I think is true
about love, life, art and
the need to work
selflessly, honestly, longing
in your handwriting
with your hands.

I’d climb inside you
and make order in the mess
you see, that was why I left
I knew I couldn’t do it
and that I shouldn’t do it
only you have the right
to tidy your thoughts
to clean up your life
to open your heart
and take that next step.

When we met a life time ago
it wasn’t you and I
the way we are today
it was a broken boy
and a broken girl
and broken sentences
in a broken notebook…
Two halves could’ve made a whole
had not you and I held
two identical pieces.

2007
Every city at night
all the lights in the dark
looks the same
if you can’t say
to yourself
loud enough to
convince yourself –
this is it,
this is my home,
where I belong.

Everywhere becomes anywhere
New York, Siberia,
Mediterranean shores,
Californian high ways,
Swedish pines
without anything
to hold you down,
to keep you back
from packing the bag
buying the ticket
and leaving.

So it’s a new year
and I’m the same
no, not the same
I change every day.

Every day becomes any day
when you want
more than
one single breath of air
can give
when life isn’t enough
when living seems
to be the goal
of everything.
And anything.